Something About Us
by morebones
Summary: Speculation about S5 Finale. Spoilers. /She places her hand in his arm and squeezes, reassuringly. "I love working with you." She smiles, but it's tense, despite the truth of her statement. "And I still love my work at the precinct, the justice of it. But to be honest…" She loses some of her previous force; admitting it is hard. "I can't feel that sense of accomplishment anymore."/


**A/N: **_This is just another take on the finale, based on spoiler and speculation. I know it's a little late, but I refused to leave it unpublished in my laptop: those never get real. If you've watched the sneak peeks you may notice certain differences, but some aspects are taken into account too. _

_If you find any mistakes you can blame FFnet text editor, which wouldn't let me save properly the document changes... Or maybe it is that it's 4am here and I'm almost sleepy-writing... _

_Anyway, today's the day: Keep breathing and have faith. ;)_

Disclaimer:_ If they were mine, I would know what the h*** is going to happen and wouldn't be biting my nails till the knuckles. _

* * *

...

Her head is spinning. She feels as if she were still on that plane to DC and suffering the worst turbulences of her life. Her stomach churns and she's on the verge of being sick. What's she doing? What the hell is she doing? The decision that seemed right just last night, and even mere hours ago, has been stripped of all its apparent rightness by the simple tone of his voice. This has become too real all of sudden and she doesn't know if she's ready for that. For all that it implies.

She's just realized that she's been lying hard to Castle. It's true that it was not really an active lie, but for omission, not telling him where she was and what she was doing; she's been acting in a way she never though she would, almost bordering on betrayal, and she can't take it. He's been so sweet and lovable and simply adorable coming over to her place and cooking dinner with her and just being him and she's been… disloyal.

It's her job, her career, and therefore, she's got the right to decide. That's a fact, she keeps repeating to herself. Somehow she hopes that it becomes true, that it placates the tiny but consistent tiny voice that keeps nagging at her with a constant "what would this mean for Castle and you?" She's tried to convince herself that it's a long shot anyway and that having a peek of a possible alternate life - jobwise- wouldn't do any harm.

But then, why the heartburn? Why the uneasiness? And above all, why the lying? She should've told him that the shady agent had offered her a job. A great opportunity. Now she's caught against the wall and not in an easy position.

...

* * *

...

He's right to be angry, she knows it. She knows she would be, if their positions were reversed. She can try to cover up, to explain, to say it was nothing… But he sure doesn't think that it was nothing. It's precisely his absolute faith in her capabilities what makes it worse. She may not think she has a great chance at getting the job, but he does. For him, it's as if she were packing for DC already.

"Castle… It's a great opportunity."

"So you're really considering taking it."

"I don't know, Castle. I… don't know."

And she truly doesn't. If he wasn't in the picture, she'd have been more than open to the possibility of such a fantastic chance. More power, more reputation, a real better job and doing what she does best.

And she doesn't want to make this about them, just the job, but doesn't know how to keep both things separately.

"When did this happen?" He asks, flatly. "Because I can't say I don't always expect people to see how you excel at your work, but I thought… I'd though you were comfortable in the NYPD."

"I thought that too…" She sighs. And it's true. After last year's debacle or ordeal or revelation or whatever it was that made her quit and go back and get her priorities straight for once, she had thought that finding another's voices, seeking justice for those who can't (not just for her mom), was enough. And Castle and she make such a good team… Maybe if they hadn't been together, hadn't started this something they have, she wouldn't have gone back at all, but he loves her for who she is; he fell in love with a cop. And he loves playing cop himself, with her. Maybe she was worried that if she severed that link, the bond between them that was their special partnership at the precinct, they didn't work at all. But now…

"Is it me, Kate?" His worried voice takes her out of her musings. "Is it too much having me there and then at home? Because I can stop going to the precinct if you want." She startles and dismisses the jolt her heart does when it notices his use of "home". It's amazing how he sometimes can get into her head, she thinks, amazed, _even if he gets your thoughts completely wrong_, her logical brain supplies, with certain sarcasm. She moves her head and approaches him in a fast stride.

"No, Castle. No…"She places her hand in his arm and squeezes, reassuringly. "I love working with you." She tries a smile, but it's tight, tense, despite the truth of her statement. "And I… I still love my work at the precinct. I love the sense of justice of it. But to be honest…" She loses some of her previous force. Admitting it out loud is hard. "I can't feel that sense of accomplishment I used to feel. It's just…" She lowers her gaze and stares intently at a spot on the floor. Her fingers play unconsciously, out of anxiety, he can tell, with the fabric of his shirt. He places his hand over hers but remains static, tense, keeping the distance between them. She can tell he's inadvertently trying to protect himself maintaining a physical barrier.

"It's not enough, anymore." She says, feebly.

"Not enough?" He startles, the words coming out of his mouth slowly, with evident concern and badly concealed fear mingled in the simple question. It's like a blow to his stomach, to be honest, hearing that statement from her, because, underneath the words, there's so much more. The concept of _enough_ has been with them for two years: two years of hope and pain and love; of small little steps forward with not few steps back, and a sweet leap of faith; two years of dreams and realizations, of waiting, yearning and finally loving and living. One could say that it (whatever is enough) has set the pace of their relationship. To what point she is aware of it, Castle ignores it. Hence, the anxiety. He anticipates something bad. Can only do so, because, as much joyful and optimistic he appears to be, more often than he ever dared to admit even to himself, it's only façade. And it's been good, things between him and Kate; so good and for so long already - a whole year of blissful and untroubled love - that he's almost waiting now for it to become ashes, as if they had burned completely. She seems to sense it, can see it in his eyes, the almost panic, and it only takes her a moment to realize what he is thinking.

"No… It's not that… It's…" Words don't come easy. She releases a long breath and sits, feeling kind of defeated. He doesn't move, breathes heavily, trying to control his anxiety, standing still in the same spot as if he were afraid that, by making any move he scared her away from the place, from his life.

Under his intense stare, she takes a deep breath back to put her thoughts in order and try to gather courage for the long overdue conversation the must have and they've been plainly ignoring for months.

She's chosen him. Last year when she was hanging, quite literally, between life and death, she chose him and she's stood by that choice and by him all the time since. They've been together. Really together. And it's been so good it hurt sometimes.

So, why isn't it so clear now? Why the stumbling? Why can't things be as easy as taking a step at a time? She had thought that that was what she needed, the safety of not looking too far ahead. Known ground. But it seems not. Maybe it had been once, when she had a wall and rigid lines and rules and didn't want anyone crossing them. But now Castle was in her side of the wall and it was just crumbles and she was exposed and she needed more. Sometimes she can't but think that maybe it all has been a bubble and they were only hiding behind that damn wall and the last case just served as a needle to burst what they thought they had.

All of sudden, safe and certain was not living the day by day or dealing with things as they come. She'd felt she didn't know where she was standing. Where they were headed. What they really were.

They were moving forward only in inertia, nothing else.

And then, this job offer. And the absolute conviction that she's reached the top at her job where she's now, and that she can really do greater things. The certainty that, even if she likes Homicide, she doesn't see herself there, doing the same, for the next twenty or more years. Now would be the wisest time to broaden her horizon, set and meet new goals. And that doesn't mean leaving Castle behind. Nothing further. She loves him. Is _in love_ with him. She wants him in her life no matter how.

She looks fleetingly at him and takes in his pained stance, his immobile body, apprehension vivid in the air surrounding him. It makes her voice catch and her throat sore. God, she loves him so much… She needs to voice her worries. Castle deserves to know what distresses her. That's what partners do; count on each other to lessen the burdens that weigh so much on one's soul. If only it were easier… And it's not that she doesn't want to. She does. She loves him and wants him to take part in most parts of her life. But… she's not very good at sharing. She's better than she used to be, that much she can say, but she wonders if it's – also here, that same concept - enough.

"I can't explain…" She begins, deflated. "Lately, it's been the same over and over and…" She sighs and looks at him, who is looking right through her, intently, eyes fixed on the wall just behind her. He's barely two feet away but it seems they're further than ever and she craves his heat. "I feel like I'm constantly doing the same, the same routine and… the meaning of it fades sometimes. Everything changes around except for me… It's like I don't progress, I don't move forward. I'm stalled. I don't know where I stand anymore." The hint of desperation in the last part of her discourse doesn't stay undetected.

"We still talking about your job, Kate?"

She stares silently at him and waits for him to direct his eyes at her. Really look at her.

"I don't know, Castle," she tries to keep the emotion out of her voice but it's to no avail. She sounds completely distressed in her proclamation. "Are we?"

Time seems to stretch and she can hear clearly the persistent tick-tack of her watch only overlapped by the crazy unmatched beating of her heart in the all of sudden cold room.

"You… feel stalled?"

"I don't know what to think… I don't know where we're going. I… We don't talk about it and it's not right anymore." The distress from before is nothing compared to the anguished pitch of her voice now, and his heart squeezes hurtfully in his chest knowing that she is not at all unaffected by all this.

"You don't know where we are going? I don't understand… I thought we were ok. That we were taking it slowly and…"

"In the beginning maybe… but… we've been together for a year, Castle. A year! And not once you've hinted that you wanted…"

"What?"

"That you wanted more commitment."

"Whoa. What?" He almost trips on the spot. He does stumble and snaps his head to look at her with his eyebrows lifted and a completely clueless look.

She's not doubtful of his feelings, she can't be, after all what they've been through together. She's got even less doubts of her own feelings, and about where she'd like this - them - to go. However, it still takes some effort, sometimes, to give voice to her feelings.

"I told you that I was all in. I meant it. I've never been so forward with anyone." She presses her lips in a barely-there smile, a timid gesture that is so unlike her usual badass self, that disarms him every time. Today is not an exception, and that's what sets him on fire. She can't sit there in front of him after lying to him about a new job that will break them apart, their lives and their jobs severed forever, and make it all about ignoring commitment. She can't imply that she doesn't know what she means to him and expect that he remains calm. They've almost died together more times than he can count and he's stood by her every time without faltering. That's commitment, isn't it?

"And you think that I am not." He spats unbelievingly, his eyes crinkling and his brow furrowing in annoyance and frustration.

"No… I don't know…" She tries to fight back.

_What kind of proof does she want?_ He thinks. What does she need to know that he's in this for keeps? Because he's pretty sure he's done almost everything there has to be done to show his love for her. Great gestures, smaller ones; bringing her into his family, making her part of it being the more definitive. He sees the almost hope in her eyes. But he also sees the doubt, the hesitance. And he can't take it anymore.

"You should take it."

"What?"

"That job is a great opportunity, Kate." He repeats her words, emotionless. "It's good for your career and…"

"So that's what you have to say."

"I don't know what else I can do. If you want that job, it's not as if I could stop you. Or would. And if you didn't want it you wouldn't have hidden it for this long. I feel kind of betrayed here, Kate. You doubt me and my purpose. It's as if you didn't want us anymore… We were a team. We can't be together if you leave." He's unconsciously walked toward the door.

There's a part of him dying to go to her, take her and hug her and kiss her until she doesn't even remember her name, less even her career aspirations. But there's this other part that is so furious, so hurt, so aggrieved by all the secrecy and the distrust that keep the other side at bay.

"I don't understand… "She seems truly confused. "Is that… is that an ultimatum?" He didn't mean to make it sound like an ultimatum, and even if he's upset, he'll never forgive himself if he did something like that.

"No," he responds quietly "It's merely a statement of facts. We won't be working together. We won't be… partners. We won't be… us"

She doesn't completely get it. He wants to work with her, yes. But, he wouldn't think she was going to be in the same job, in the same precinct with him tagging along, forever, would he? Because then, the options would be very limited. Either she's a cop and stays in NY and works with him, or else, they're done. She doesn't think that's it. He's just implied that she's paranoid for asking him where they're going; he seems to want more of them, just like she does. It can't be that he's saying that their job (which is actually _her _job and only _his_ distraction) is what define them, can it?

"Are you reducing us to that? Work? That's it? So I was right being concerned…"

"What do you want me to do Kate?" He interrupts her in a sharp and categorical tone, frustration, fear and anger fighting to prevail. He feels like he is treading water; barely afloat and Kate escaping between his fingers. "You're telling me my love is not enough, Kate." He almost growls. "I love you like I haven't loved before. I'm so in love with you that the mere thought of losing you rips my heart apart. But if that's not enough, I don't know what you want of me. So leave. Leave me and the NYPD and your family… Go play with the major leagues."

"It's not..." She tries to stop his discourse and approaches him. But she doesn't really dare to touch him, so just lets her hands hover over his arms. He steps back in rejection and her hands, becoming fists, nails digging in the palm to prevent the yearning for his skin.

"Sorry. I can't do this now. I need some air." He takes his jacket and in two strides is by the door.

She calls after him but there's only silence. And she's left standing in the middle of the room. Alone.

...

* * *

...

She hears him approaching but tries not to look up. She doesn't know if she would be able to confront the sad look she's certain he's directing to her; she wouldn't be able to keep herself composed. The knot in her throat making it very difficult to breathe normally; the sting in her eyes announcing the probability of tears. She can't stand the pain she's causing him.

He moves right behind her and puts his hand on her shoulder. She freezes at the touch, and just the next moment heat is spreading from his hand to her whole body, leaving her breathless.

"I can't ask you to stay…" His voice is low and strangled, and it makes her shiver. There's no bitterness in it, though, just a hint of hurt. And maybe sweetness.

"What do you want, then, Castle?" She asks quietly, trying not to be overwhelmed by all the raging emotions, trying not to give in to the dull hurt that is making her want to sob over what could be the crumbles of their relationship. Unsuccessfully, she realizes, as she opens her eyes to a blur. And when she blinks to dissipate it, she feels the hot trail of a tear escaping down her cheek. She breathes and composes herself. His mere presence is soothing, despite the circumstances.

He slides his hand down the length of her arm, in a tender touch than sets her every nerve on fire. When he reaches her pulse, he circles with his thumb the skin there relishing the softness of it and the dizzying rush of the blood he can feel pumping through her veins. He lets then their hands touch in a sweet caress and their fingers entwine together on their own volition, in a practiced move, gentle strokes calming the yearning and, at the same time, making them crave for more. He tugs sweetly from her and leads her to the couch. She tries to resist but he smiles sadly although hopefully and she just goes.

"Come." He sits and takes her with him, but taking her closer, rearranges their positions so that she is enveloped in his embrace. She tenses at first, but it's only a second before he secures his hand in her back and sweetly kisses her forehead and she lets herself go, with a sigh, resting her head in his upper torso. He caresses her cheek, her hair... She lifts a hand to play with the buttons of his shirt and they find again the equilibrium in their intimacy. He places his hand over hers ans she links both to then take his fingers to her lips.

"Sorry I didn't tell you." She mumbles to his fingers, kissing his knuckles.

"I get it." He smiles. He moves his thumb through her lips. "I don't tell you much about my novels or my meetings or my deals with my publishers."

"You do… you…" He shuts her with that same thumb and she nibbles at it.

"Not really, Kate. I made Nikki Heat without even thinking of what it would mean for you as a cop and a woman in the police."

"True..." She hums, and goes back to rest in his chest. "But it ended being good."

"True." He smiles and places a kiss in the crown of her head, hugging her closer. She goes willingly.

They stay like that, content of each other's company for some moments more.

"I don't really want to let you go out there."

She sighs and knits her eyebrows.

"Castle…"

"I love you, Kate and I can't stand the idea of being apart from you for even a second. I know I have no right to control you and that I can't hold you back. I won't. But I don't want to go back to when people thought this relationship didn't exist."

"Yeah, I know…"

"And you can call me selfish and immature; you can call me caveman if you want, but I can't stand the idea of all those powerful smartasses in a suit thinking that you're available."

"Seriously, Castle?" She startles in his chest and tries to put some distance but his arms tie her securely to him, in a way that they maintain the physical contact, but can look the other in the eye.

"Deadly serious." He answers, with an air of solemnity that is teasing but earnest at the same time. "And God knows I don't want for my life you to think that I am not committed to it, to us. I need you to remember that I love you more and more each day and I won't let you go thinking that I don't want you to be by my side every single day of the rest of my life, and beyond, because I will haunt you, Kate, after I die, I will follow you to keep you safe. You know I will."

"What are you saying, Castle?"

"Do you really need to ask me where I want this, us, to go?"

"We never really talk about it."

"I've always known where I wanted this to go, but I was afraid to scare you away…"

"See, Castle? That's one of the reasons why we may need a time to reevaluate our situation. Why didn't you feel like you could talk to me? Did I ever do something to make you think that I would be running away if you even mentioned an advance in our relationship?"

"Well… I…"

"Oh, God, Castle. You don't trust me to be able to handle an adult conversation that involves bigger commitments?"

"It's not that."

"It is so!"

"No, Kate. Hear me out. Two years ago you were so fragile, so hurt… I can understand that after… after the shooting, you had enough on your plate already than to even care for my ill-timed love confession." "But you hid it for a year, Kate. And after we got together… I thought I had lost you forever and then you came to my door and you became a dream made true. I know you're strong and confident and resolute. But I'm an idiot. I have a sound record of drastically failed relationships. I've screwed up before and I couldn't for my life fail this one. I couldn't live if I pushed you away. I thought we were good… I thought you were ok going just on baby steps and that when you wanted more, I'd see it."

"It's not that I want more… It's only that…" She recoils. "You've been married twice, Castle. I don't know how to feel about the fact that you haven't even toyed with the idea of asking me."

"Seriously?"

"Where… where does that leave me… I know you've been with a lot of women, Castle. I don't know which is your level of commitment toward me."

"Kate."

"You're a writer, Castle. It's only normal that you could put it into words."

"I think I just did."

"What?"

"When I gave you the box." He gestures toward the little box resting in Kate's hand in her lap and she looks at it as if she were really seeing it for what it was for the first time. "But I must have been bad at it if you missed my point."

She frowns slightly, completely unaware of the meaning behind what he's just said and trying to recall the exact words Castle had used before. She's too tired, though, and rather upset, and unsettled, to have clarity of mind so she just opens her mouth apologetically.

He smiles and kisses her.

"I can try again. Open it."

"It's a ring." She is confused.

"Yes." Smile in his eyes, with a dash of nervousness.

"It's an engagement ring." The thing shines as if it had light inside. It's beautiful, simple and she just can't think around it. Just a few hours ago they were fighting and she'd thought they were done.

"Only if you want it to be."

"I don't understand, Castle"

"I love you. And I want to marry you." She looks at him bewildered, eyes like saucers, mouth slightly open and nose wrinkled. Maybe in disbelief, maybe in fear.

"Castle," she moves away from him and takes his hands intertwining their fingers. "I didn't mean to put us in a situation where you had the need to... propose. That's not what I want."

"It's not that, and you know it."

He's confident. She's a puddle, a trembling mess trying to get herself together and she's never seen him so self-assured. There's a determination in his stance that makes her feel safe and tethered, and a sparkle of hope and joy burning behind that makes her want to crawl into his embrace and be still, lost in his arms and in his touch, for a moment that lasted forever.

"The ring's been home for some time now, Kate. I knew it was too soon when I bought it, but I never doubted we would reach the point when asking you would be the natural thing to do. And not because it would be just a step out of routine or because that's what couples do, but because we wanted to show one another and our families and the rest of the world that we love each other and want to be as one also in paper."

"If you accept me, if you do want to marry me, then this is indeed an engagement ring. But Kate, if you think it's soon, or too complicated and don't want to get married just yet, I need that you keep it the same. You're leaving and I can't lose you to a new place. Can't let you think I don't want you to stay with me just because I didn't beg you to stay. I do want, but I'll never frustrate your dreams, hinder you back or get in the way of you and your career."

"You did when you first snaked your way into the precinct."

"Ah, no. It was only for the best. I knew you'd be better with me and I've been proven right."

"How so?"

"Your team has the best rate of solved cases, that's pure statistic and maths don't lie. And well, you wouldn't have been offered this job if you weren't as good as you are."

"But it's the two of us. We're partners."

"There're lots of ways to be partners."

"Yeah…"

"And I have contacts. I can pull some strings, you know."

"I fear you, Richard Castle."

"Yep, that's wise, Beckett."

"Just promise me you won't find another woman to shadow when I'm gone."

"Why would I? You are all the inspiration I need."

"Good."

"Now… What was I saying…" He takes the box from her hand and extracts the ring from its cushioned support. The thing sends flicks of crystal-white sparks into the room. Her hands are resting in her lap and he carefully caresses her right one to coax a reaction from her. Her hand moves into his and they entwine their fingers in a sweet caress for a lasting moment. She looks at their joint hands mesmerized and, for an instant, she can't feel but the rightfulness of the setting. No worries, no fears; every last of her concerns and burdens lessened up by his touch. And her deep love for him even intensified and strengthened under his intense and passionate stare.

"I want everything with you, Kate Beckett. I want _always_ with you. And wherever we are, wherever _you_ are, and whatever the situation, I want you to be sure that you're always in my mind; that you're always in my heart. I want you to look at the ring and remember that you are my sunshine. And my moonshine. My any light."

She blushes, she can't help it. Air leaves her lungs in a shallow gasp as her whole self inflames at the force of his words, the apparent serenity of his voice, the truth she reads in his eyes. She only hopes he can read her truth in hers. How much she loves him; how much she wants to stay beside him. For the rest of her life.

There will be bumps - probably a lot -, but as long as they're together they can walk hand in hand and stumble against one another. They will always hold the other, before (or even if) they fall.

He tucks a lock behind her ear and caresses her cheek with his fingers in the same move. She can feel now his hand trembling a bit, not unaffected. She looks up and puts her hand over his heart to feel it thumping wild with expectation, the other one at his nape, fidgeting with the short hair. Tilting her head she gets closer and nuzzles his jaw, rubs her lips in a barely there kiss below his ear.

His breath hitches and there is the slightest sign of sweating in his neck. She smiles; he's definitely showing signs of nervousness now, finally. She hasn't answered him, she realizes. And she opens her mouth to do so when he starts the more-typical-him blabbering. "Here, look. See the white twinkling? And the golden sparks that surround it? I had never seen a jewel with this much light.

"Ok."

"But maybe it was that I was thinking of you and…"

"Castle?"

"...things seems brighter and better when I think of you..."

"Rick."

"...and I saw it and it was perfect for you. Wait. What?"

"I said ok, Castle." She smiles. "Now put that exquisite ring on my finger. We'll figure out the rest, together."

He does, and their eyes shine with joy and love in perfect match, filling the room with their light.

"Together."

.

* * *

_A/N: I know it was long but, well, _I_ needed all the parts. _

_If you feel like sharing your thoughts, I'd be more than happy. And, as always, thanks for reading. :)_


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